NetSongs - "I Get No CIX Out of You"

Main Page
Blog: Trying Technology
Blog: Dern Near Everything Else

Speeches & Presentations
Internet Song Parodies
Science Fiction
Stuff I Said I'd Post
Stuff For Sale

From those wonderful folks (me) who brought you those Dern Internet Song Parodies like "Batch Up Your Shellscripts", "We've Grepped a Little List", and "When You're Still on the Net...":

by Daniel P. Dern

Copyright (c) 1994, 1997 Daniel P. Dern

"I care not who writes the Internet's protocols/
So long as I can keep writing snappy songs like this."

(The original introduction, written back in 1994)

Trans-provider connectability (e.g., ability to telnet from a site on PSInet to one on SprintNet or AlterNet) has been a hot- button issue for the Internet community since the start of the (now virtual) NSFnet, the first commercial IP providers, and in mid-1991, the creation of the CIX (Commercial Internet eXchange) as a 'meet-point' between providers that didn't require transiting the NSFnet in violation of the NSFnet AUP.

The current and future role of the CIX itself has been the subject of much debate (some -- but not all -- by people unclear on the subject). So please consider "CIX" in the following to mean any effort serving a CIX-type role. Enjoy. - dpd

--- * ---

To the tune of "I Get A Kick Out of You" from Cole Porter's ANYTHING GOES (with the usual liberties taken on scansion, rhyme, language and opinion) Copyright (c) 1994, 1997 Daniel P. Dern. May be freely reposted to mailing lists, Usenet Newsgroups, Gopher/WWW/etc. and other free-for-access online forums, providing this notice is intact; all other interested parties please contact author.

--- * ---

{Intro section, done only rarely in cabaret versions}
My .*rc files are much too long to be scrolled,              [1]
Yet practically every ping fails, unlike what I was told     [2]
The only reception on my interface
  Comes from NetNews and UUCP, so I 'su' to 'root' and see
  why half the net's blocked off from me, in my net-routing trace ...
{OK, here's where the familiar tune starts up.}
I get no bits from Champaign --                              [3]
Mail protocols and News get to me, but that's all -- 
No telnets or FTPs get through --                            [4]
[Sigh], I get no CIX out of you.                             [5]

Some want CIX transit without payin' --
  I think that if
  They missed even one .GIF
They'd stop schnorring or threat'ning to sue --              [6]
And make their IP provider join CIX, too.                    [7]

   I get no hits if the remote site's bits
     need to transit the CIX to get to me                      
   Some route's been nixed, it is clear to me,
     filtered, obviously, by somewhere before me.              

   I get no bits using frame
     relay, ATM, T1 or FDDI...
   Because transport has nothing to do
     with getting bits 'twixt me and you.

I get no bits and it's clear to me
We need meet-points that're AUP-free                         [8]
Then we could MUD, Gopher, chat with IRC,
telnet, FTP and of course HTTP.                              [9] 

Then we could all get gigs of bits from Champaign,
Just join CIX, Net99, COren, FIX, MAE, whatever --          [10] 
  hey, it's time!
Don't balkanize .com's from .gov, .org or .edu !            [11]
Ensure all connection-oriented bits can get through!

{ One more time, perfessor, if you please! }

Again: it's better to fix things than complain --
Don't just bitch, moan or whine -- put your butt on the line --
There's no shortage of things for us all to do                
To ensure "Internet" still means "all" instead of "few."

- Daniel P. Dern, "The Bard of BARRnet"


  1. .*rc files = config information for programs on Unix systems, e.g., .pinerc,.gopherrc
  2. Some providers promise reachability to sites on other CIX members, but aren't CIX members.
  3. As in University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana (UIUC), too good a rhyme to pass up
  4. Messaging packets get through; connections don't.
  5. CIX = Commercial Internet eXchange, FYI.
  6. Schnorring = begging [Yiddish]
  7. Only "IP resellers" need CIX memberships; shell account sellers, e.g., Software Tool & Die, don't.
  8. AUPs (Appropriate Usage Policies) are part of what led to the formation of the CIX.
  9. HTTP = HyperText Transport Protocol, what's used by the WWW
  10. Various connect-points and proposals. To join the net99 mailing list, email w/message body of "subscribe net-99" Of course, if they'd called it Net66, I could have said "Got no CIX? Try Net66"
  11. The .edu rhyme opportunity was too good to pass up.
[and] CIX info available at,, and

Main Page | Articles | Book(s) | P.R. | Columns | Speeches & Presentations | Internet Song Parodies | Humor | Science Fiction | Stuff I Said I'd Post | Stuff For Sale

Copyright © Daniel P. Dern
Last modified: Tuesday, 16-Oct-2001 11:08:15 EDT